


My Corona

by ClareGuilty



Category: Coronapocalypse
Genre: Corona Virus - Freeform, Coronavirus, Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:29:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23180227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClareGuilty/pseuds/ClareGuilty
Summary: This is a joke I wrote for my friends.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19





	My Corona

“From what our scouts saw, it looks like the gang is packing up to move west. Just as well, too. Another day in this direction and we would have been screwed. They outnumber us and outgun us,” The Keeper began folding her map.

“Good to hear,” The Captain nodded. “Keep eyes on them just in case, we wouldn’t want to risk letting our guard down. How are we doing on supplies?” The two made their way back towards the main house. 

“We could always use more food, but I doubt that will ever change. Everything else has been counted and sorted. We know what to look for on our next run.” It was good news. Once The Panic began, every shelf in every store was emptied in a matter of days. All that remained was penne pasta and chowder soups. And even The Settlement couldn’t make use of that garbage.

“And ammunition?” The Captain asked. It had been hard to find any at all, but at last, they had found a stockpile in the closets of an abandoned house, The Hoarders nowhere to be found.

“Oh, we’re fine.” The Keeper smirked. “We’re just fine.”

Her confidence eased The Captain’s worries. Assurance was hard to come by in The End Times, and she would take it wherever she could get it.

“Thanks,” she clapped a hand on The Keeper’s shoulder. “You do a lot for us. I heard The Knight found some Twinkies ® on a supply run last night. You should go grab one.”

The Keeper’s eyes lit up, ecstatic at the idea of sweets. “I will, Thank you, Captain.”

The Captain watched her go, smiling fondly. Sweeping her gaze across The Settlement one last time, she headed into the main house.

The Settlement was exactly what you would imagine. An old secluded ranch, fortified and outfitted to survive The End Times. A few buildings, some trailers, makeshift structures. It had taken some time to put everything together, transporting supplies and materials, building up the walls and watch posts. Less than two dozen people, clinging to the last vestiges of society and order. It hadn’t been easy. The Captain didn’t think it would ever be easy.

Still, The End Times allowed for quite a bit of relaxation. There were always hours in the day to be spent doing anything and everything. It had taken quite a while to adjust.

Now, The Captain settled in by the window, soaking in the afternoon sun, and began to draw.

Reprieve was short-lived.

Doc came bursting through the door, breathing hard and holding his hat. “You’re gonna want to see this.”

It was a cliche line, but filled with urgency. The Captain set down her sketchbook and followed after Doc towards the gardens.

Already on the scene were The Sheriff and Steve. When Steve had joined The Settlement, they had offered to let him change his name to something much more badass, but he had chosen to just stay Steve. So Steve he was.

Crouching among the rows of vegetables, clinging to some freshly picked lemons, was A Whore.

“Well I’ll be damned,” The Sheriff placed her hands on her hips. Her badge glinted sharply as she cocked her hips, staring down at the thief.

“Where did you come from? How did you get in?” The Captain demanded.

The Whore scoffed. “I’m not telling you anything.”

“Have it your way,” The Captain shrugged. “Steve, take her away.”

The Whore went quietly, reluctantly forfeiting her lemons to The Sheriff. 

That should have been the end of it, but that would be awfully boring.

“We’ve got company!” Another cliche line, shouted from the watchtower by the front gates. The Captain, Doc, and The Sheriff ran to the source of the commotion, dreading what they would find there.

The Knight was pointing out to the horizon where a large group of dark-clothed figures were advancing towards The Settlement. The lemons thudded and rolled across the ground.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Doc said.

“There’s too many of them,” The Knight shook her head. “We’ll never be able to hold them off.”

“Not with that attitude we won’t,” The Sheriff snapped. “Knight, fetch anyone who can fight on the ground, we’re going out to meet them. Captain, didn’t The Keeper say we found a shitload of ammunition?”

The Captain nodded.

“Then you and Doc get a few people up top, once we get close enough, you start shooting.”

It was the best plan they had. Within minutes, The Sheriff, The Outlaw, The Knight, and The Monk, and Steve were lined up at The Gates, ready to take on The Invaders.

“Let’s do this,” The Monk shook out his shoulders.

“Doc?” The Sheriff called, “Open The Gates.”

The Gates rattled and squealed as they inched apart. This was it.

The Fighters stormed out to meet The Invaders. There were many of them, but as The Fighters drew closer, they realized what weak opponents they were actually up against. The Invaders were nothing more than a rowdy bunch of teens decked out in airsoft gear. The Sheriff almost felt bad about beating their asses.

Almost.

The airsoft pellets hurt like a bitch. Too bad Doc wasn’t an actual doctor.

The first wave of teens went down easy enough. The Sheriff grabbed an airsoft rifle and began laying into the advancing enemies. 

But what they lacked in skill, The Invaders made up for in numbers. It wasn’t long before they had pushed up closer to the gates.

“Doc! Captain! Fire!”

And it began raining ammunition from the sky. The Outlaw watched as one of the teens took a direct hit to the face. Even then, a roll of toilet paper, no matter how fast it’s moving, doesn’t do very much damage.

The rolls unfurled as they sailed through the air, painting the battlefield with a crisscross of two-ply stripes.

“Yes!” The sheriff crowed. They were lucky to find that hoard. Ammunition was possibly the hardest thing to come by in The End Times.

Roll after roll of Charmin Ultra Fury pelted The Invaders. It was exactly what the Fighters needed to turn the fight in their favor.

Tired, bruised, but ultimately victorious, they returned to The Settlement with the spoils of their battle. The airsoft guns would make a great addition to their defense.

“Nice shooting, Doc,” The Sheriff clapped him on the back.

“I could say the same for you,” he grinned.

The Keeper was waiting as they marched home.

“You fought well,” she smiled, “So I brought out some of the good stuff.” In her hands, dripping with no condensation whatsoever because there was no refrigeration at The Settlement, were Corona Beers.


End file.
